Things I am Not Allowed to do at Hogwarts
by Golden Quintet
Summary: Harry Potter, the Weasley Twins, and the rest of the gang do some rule breaking. From 'poking Hufflepuffs with spoons' to 'giving Lupin a flea collar', they'll break all the rules.
1. Bees and Hippogriffs

_**A/N I thought it would be fun and different for me to write this. I am not going to use any of the inappropriate rules, because I don't write that stuff. This takes place in fifth year.**_

_**I do not own anything Harry Potter because that belongs to J.K. Rowling. I also do not own these rules, and frankly I don't know who owns them, but whoever wrote them owns the rules.**_

_**All I own are the plots, Riley Black and Thomas Lupin (from my Harry and Riley series), and a bag of Skittles.**_

_**Enjoy!**_

* * *

**1. I will not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons, nor will I insist that their House colors indicate that they are "covered in bees".**

Fred scanned the hall for his victim. He saw an innocent second year Hufflepuff girl talking to her friend. Smirking, he took out a spoon from his robes as he walked towards the girl. Once he reached her, he began to poke her.

"Hey!" the girl exclaimed.

"Did you know that you are covered in bees," said Fred, ignoring that the girl was swatting at him.

"STOP IT."

Fred continued to poke the girl with the spoon.

* * *

**2. No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class.**

Today for Care of Magical Creatures Hagrid decided to retry hippogriffs for the fifth years.

Once every hippogriff was with two or three people, people began to approach their hippogriff. Harry bowed to the one named Mojo, who had black and white feathers. Mojo returned the bow.

As Harry pet Mojo, to Ron and Hermione he said;

"Good day mates! Ain't he a beaut? Crikey!"

Hermione and Ron simply stared at their friend, while Riley who was at the hippogriff next to them said;

"Awesome Steve Irwin imitation, Harry!"

* * *

**3. I will not insist the House Elves serve fried snake to Slytherins.**

"Please Dobby."

"No sir."

"Please?"

"Dobby isn't."

"Why not?"

"Dobby thinks it's impolite."

George sighed.

"So you and the other House Elves won't serve fried snakes to the Slytherins," said George.

"Dobby thinks sir should leave now."

* * *

**4. If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw a Dark Mark on their arm.**

Riley was sitting on a couch in the common room. Thomas had fallen asleep and his head was now resting on Riley's shoulder. All was quiet until Seamus and Dean burst in.

"How'd it get on my arm Dean?"

"I don't know Shay, but it looks hand drawn."

Riley looked over the back of the couch. Seamus had his sleeve rolled up and he was pointing at his forearm. On his forearm was the Dark Mark. It wasn't really real, it was obviously drawn in marker.

"What? Who would do that?"

Dean shrugged and asked, "Did you fall asleep in any classes?"

"Just in History of Magic."

"And who were you sitting next to?"

"Riley only 'cause you were in the Hospital Wing, but I don't see how this has anything to do with the fake Dark Mark."

Dean shook his head and said, "Mate, sometimes you are really thick."

Seamus looked confused as ever.

"Riley!" Dean called to Riley.

"Whatcha need O' Mighty Tall One?" replied Riley.

"Were you sitting with Seamus during History of Magic?"

"Yep."

"Did you draw anything on his arm?"

Riley raised an eyebrow and said, "I cannot answer that question."

With that she went back to her former position on the couch and began to busy herself. She heard Dean walk over to her.

"Riley why are drawing the Dark Mark on Thomas's arm with permanent marker?" said Dean.

"Wait, what?" said Seamus leaning over the couch to look at Thomas's forearm. "What the bloody hell Riley?"

Riley shrugged and said, "I was bored, you were vulnerable. I'm bored right now, Thomas is vulnerable."

At this Thomas awakened and said, "What about me vulnerable?"

Dean pointed at Thomas's forearm. Thomas looked at Riley.

"Rye, why is the Dark Mark drawn on my arm?" he asked her.

Riley shrugged and said, "You were vulnerable…"

* * *

**5. House elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.**

Riley and Andrew Kirke gaped at each other. Instead of Bludgers, Fred and George insisted that they, the two new Beaters, should use House Elves.

"I'm not going to smack a House Elf with a bat!" said Andrew.

"And we won't," Riley told the second year, then glared at the Weasley twins, "we are going to set Hermione on them."

The Weasley twins looked at each other and gulped, with that they ran off toward the castle. Little did they know hours later, Hermione would be lecturing them to death.

* * *

**6. Starting a betting pool on the fate of this year's Defense Against Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever moneymaking concept.**

Umbridge gulped after finishing reading a list left on a desk in one of her fifth year classes, which read;

_Fate of This Year's DA Professor_

_Set on Fire – Luna Lovegood, Lavender Brown, Neville Longbottom, Dennis Creevey_

_Bitten by Vampire – Riley Black, Dean Thomas, Seamus Finnegan, Draco Malfoy_

_Kissed by Dementor – (who are we kidding, no one would kiss Umbridge)_

_Attacked by Centaurs – Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger, Thomas Lupin, Riley Black_

"_Falls" into a Hole – Blaise Zabini, Pansy Parkinson, Terry Boot, Zachary Smith_

_Taken Hostage by Giant Squid – Patil Twins, Weasley Twins, Hannah Abbott, Seamus Finnegan, Harry Potter_

_Poisoned – Hermione Granger, Colin Creevey, Neville Longbottom, Dobby the House Elf_

_Killed by Voldemort – Ron Weasley, Weasley Twins, Ginny Weasley, Giant Squid_

_Has Mental Break Down – Draco Malfoy, Dean Thomas, Thomas Lupin, Luna Lovegood_

_Hippogriff Related Injuries/Death – Lee Jordan, Justin Finch-Fletchley, Katie Bell_

Umbridge decided not to punish anyone, because frankly she was afraid about what may happen to her…

* * *

**7. Seamus Finnegan is not "after me Lucky Charms".**

It was a normal breakfast in the Great Hall. At least until Seamus Finnegan reached for the box of cereal, Lucky Charms to be exact, that Thomas Lupin grabbed. Everyone jumped when Thomas Lupin, who was a rather quiet guy shouted;

"OI! SEAMUS FINNEGAN IS AFTER ME LUCKY CHARMS!"

This surprised Seamus so bad he fell out of his seat.

Everyone just stared at Thomas for the rest of breakfast.

* * *

**8. I will not tye-dye all of the owls.**

Harry was surprised when Hedwig flew towards him at breakfast. It wasn't the fact that Hedwig wasn't carrying a letter, or that it wasn't that Hedwig had flown into the Great Hall five minutes before all the owls were supposed to that surprised him. It was the fact that Hedwig looked as though, she had been tye-dyed the colour of the rainbow. Harry and his fellow Gryffindor started at Hedwig, who looked ticked off by the fact her feathers were no longer white.

Harry examined Hedwig as she ate some of Harry's toast. "Hedwig what hap –"

But before he could finish what he was about to say, more owls flew in looking tye-dyed.

Midnight landed on Riley's plate hooting angrily. The owl's feathers were purple, blue, and green instead of black.

At the Slytherin table Draco Malfoy, couldn't hold it in and burst out laughing. Everyone turned to the blonde Slytherin, instantly knowing it was he who dyed their owls. Every owl in the Great hall flew at Draco, their objective of pecking him to death.

* * *

**9. I will not mock Dumbledore with exaggerated limb movements.**

Riley had been sent to Dumbledore's office so many times she had her own chair carved with her name in it and her choice of seat cushion, just like Fred and George. This time she was in here for assaulting Umbridge with water balloons. By now, Riley had noticed that when Dumbledore talked he moved his hands and arms.

"Miss Black please tell me why you threw water balloons at Professor Umbridge," Dumbledore asked her, moving his hands.

"I was bored, and I thought it would be more fun than pelting Professor Snape with water balloons," replied Riley, flailing her arms around.

"Now could you tell me why you are flailing your arms around?"

"I'm going to be frank with you, Professor. I am mocking you. Have ever noticed when you talk, you move your arms and hands?"

Dumbledore sighed, at least she was being honest.

* * *

**10. I will not write all my essays in red ink claiming it is blood.**

Ron decided instead of writing all his essays in black ink, he would write them in dark red ink.

None of his professors had really said anything. That was until he handed in his Potions essay.

"Weasley!" Snape barked. "Essays are to be written in black ink!"

"It's not ink, its blood," said Ron simply.

His classmates stared at him, not sure if he was joking or not.

Then Parvati asked; "Who's blood did you use?"

"Thirty points from Gryffindor, and rewrite this essay by tomorrow, Weasley," said Snape.

Snape too wondered if the ink was actually blood.


	2. Dark Lord McHappypants and Death Dancers

_A/N Thanks for the awesome reviews guys!_

_I do not own anything that you recognize from the Harry Potter series. All I own is Riley, Thomas, and Alex._

_Enjoy!_

**11. Putting up Doug Henning posters in Filch's office is not appropriate.**

"So, what exactly are magicians?" Ginny asked Hermione.

"They are Muggles that pretty much do amazing allusions," said Hermione. "My favorite magician is Doug Henning."

Hermione sighed when she found out that Filch's office was covered in Doug Henning posters the next day.

**12. Calling Voldemort "Baldemort" is inappropriate.**

Lord Voldemort reread the letter he had just received four the sixth time. It read;

_Dear Baldemort (or do you prefer Voldy, Snakeman, He-Who-Let's-the-Boy-Live, or He-Who-Was-Defeated-by-a-Baby),_

_We would like to thank you for waiting until the end of the school year each year in your failed attempts to kill Harry Potter. Personally, we think that our friend Harry should have a good education, so thank you for letting him have one. _

_Hugs and Tickles,_

_Gred, Forge, and R.A.B. the Second._

_P.S. See you in June!_

Voldemort could not believe those kids had insulted him or the fact that they thanked him. Up until now Voldemort hadn't realized that he only attempted to kill Harry Potter at the end of each school year. Yet the thing that disturbed him was the 'Hugs and Tickles' part.

**13. Asking "How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?" and walking away is only funny the first time.**

Draco Malfoy liked to annoy the Gryffindors. In his opinion Gryffindors were daft, loud, and they never think twice. His favorite Gryffindors to annoy were Saint Potter and his gang of friends, one being his blood traitor third cousin, Riley Black. Today Draco was able to catch Riley without her friends in the hall.

"Hey Black!" called Draco, walking over to Riley.

"Yes Ferret-boy?" she replied.

Ignoring the comment, Draco asked, "How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?"

"Uh, how do you?" said Riley with a puzzled expression.

Draco opened his mouth, turned around, and walked away.

Riley stood there a minute until;

"Where are you – oh – OI! MALFOY! NOT FUNNY!" she shouted at him, sending a jelly-legs jinx at the blonde boy.

**14. I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class.**

Many knew Colin Creevey as a stalker, that kid with the camera, Harry Potter's biggest fan, or the kid that seems _way_ to happy. Only his best friends Ginny and Alex knew the real Colin.

Colin was a smart guy, he happened to be able to talk people out of things, also was really funny, but he was a bit on the immature side. On the bright side he wasn't as immature as Ron. Every year Colin brought some of his Muggle possessions to Hogwarts. This year Colin brought a Magic Eight Ball to school.

One day, Colin decided that he would bring it to his fourth year Divination class.

Colin, Ginny, and Alex sat at one of the round tables, deeply staring into crystal balls like the rest of their classmates.

"I think," said Alex. "tomorrow will be really foggy."

Ginny snorted and said, "That was very Riley of you."

"I try, I try."

"Colin what's that?"

Colin had taking out his Magic Eight Ball, and it didn't take long for the youngest Weasley to notice it.

"That's a Magic Eight Ball," said Colin. "You ask it a yes or no question, then you shake it, and it answers the question."

"Cool! Ask it a question!" said Ginny excitedly.

"Will classes be canceled tomorrow?" said Colin, and then shook it.

The three leaned in to read the answer.

_It is certain._

"Mr. Creevey, what is that?" exclaimed Professor Trelawney.

"Well Professor, this wonderful device predicts the future," said Colin smoothly.

"Really?" said Professor Trelawney.

"You ask it a question, and then it answers them," said Alex, "Show her Colin."

"Alright, will dinner taste off tonight?" said Colin, then shook it and read it. "Signs point to yes."

"Give me that for a minute," said Alex. "Will Harry defeat Voldemort at the end of the year?"

"_Ask again later…_" read Ginny, she made 'hmpf' sound.

"Sometimes it can't answer your question at that time," explained Colin.

It was the next day when Colin decided he wouldn't use his Magic Eight Ball in class. The previous night's dinner had tasted repulsive, and at breakfast Dumbledore cancelled classes because all the teachers caught a contagious cold. After that, Colin's fellow classmates swarmed him, asking him if they could use the Magic Eight Ball.

**15. I am not allowed to tell Hufflepuffs there is no Santa Claus.**

Seamus Finnigan happened to be crossing paths with some Hufflepuff first years, when he suddenly stopped them.

"Hey firsties," said Seamus.

One of the Hufflepuffs, a girl with blonde hair, said, "Our prefects told us not to talk to you."

"But, I've got important information for you guys," said Seamus.

"What is it?" said another girl with auburn hair.

"You guys believe in Santa Claus, right?" said Seamus, the group nodded, "Well apparently, he doesn't exist."

The group of first year Hufflepuffs stood there staring at him, with insulted expressions.

"How dare you!" one boy shouted.

"You liar!" one girl shouted.

"Get him!" another boy shouted.

Seamus knew these Hufflepuffs meant it, and began running towards the Gryffindor common room. The Hufflepuffs were pretty fast for eleven year olds so Seamus had to send Jelly Leg Jinxes over his shoulder every few seconds.

Seamus outran the Hufflepuffs long enough to safely get into the Gryffindor common room. Everyone in the common room stared as he tried to catch his breath. When he caught her breath, he decided to make an announcement;

"Fellow Gryffindors, I advise you not to crush a Hufflepuff's dreams! They are really fast…"

**16. I am not allowed to refer to myself as the New Dark Lord.**

At Hogwarts there were normal days and weird days. Today happened to be a weird day.

"Hullo Ron," said Neville, as he passed Ron in the hallway.

Neville couldn't help notice that Ron was dressed in all yellow, or that Hedwig, Harry's owl, was perched on his shoulder.

Ron stopped him and said, "It's not Ron anymore, I go by Dark Lord McHappypants."

Neville tried not to laugh.

"Are you serious?"

"Of course," said Ron offended, "Meet my Death Dancers."

Before Neville could say anything, in skipped four people dressed in sky blue Death Eater robes and hats, and yellow and black smiley face masks.

"Dance monkeys! Dance!" shouted Ron.

Suddenly the song for Cha Cha Slide dance filled the hall, and the Death Dancers began to do the Cha Cha Slide.

It was until Professor McGonagall came along and gave Dark Lord McHappypants and his Death Dancers detentions, that Neville laughing fit got worse.

**17. I am not allowed to steal Professor Flitwick's wand, hold it over my head and laugh as he tries to reach it.**

Fred and George loved to annoy their professors, it always ended in detention, but it was always worth it. Though every once and a while they would accidently go too far.

It was a boring day in Charms class. Professor Flitwick decided that once a month he would let his N.E.W.T. and O.W.L. students study. Fred and George took this time to goof off. Professor Flitwick was in the far end of the classroom helping a student, little did he know that he left his wand on his desk, or that a certain pair of twins noticed.

When Professor Flitwick was aware his wand was missing, he began to frantically search for it. He wasn't very surprised when he found his wand in the hands of Fred Weasley.

"Mr. Weasley, I would like my wand back," said Professor Flitwick.

"In a minute," said Fred.

"Now."

George suddenly took the wand out of Fred's hands and held it over Professor Flitwick's head.

"Mr. Weasley's," the professor growled, trying to reach his wand.

Fred and George laughed as the short professor's failed attempts to retrieve his wand. George didn't give the wand back until Professor Flitwick gave them a week's worth of detention.

**18. I am not allowed to have a reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or piranha.**

Professor Dumbledore sighed when he saw the four students Professor McGonagall had brought to his office. The first student was Harry Potter, and draped over his shoulders was a reticulated python that he was talking to. The second student was Riley Black petting a snow leopard on a leash. The third was Thomas Lupin holding a cage with a Tasmanian devil in it. The last student was Hermione Granger holding a fish bowl containing a piranha.

"You three are aware that Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry only allows owls, toads, cats, and rats as pets," said Professor Dumbledore.

"Sir, you might want to reach the rule about having rats as a pet," said Thomas.

"Why is that Mr. Lupin?"

"Because an hour ago Ron lost his Mexican sewer rat."

**19. There is no "open-mic night" at Hogwarts.**

"And next up we have the two beautiful and talented Riley Black and Hermione Granger singing some song none of us have heard," said Fred Weasley into the microphone.

A crowd of around one hundred and fifty students stood in the Great Hall. All of the tables had vanished and where the Head Table was, in its place was a medium sized stage.

Riley and Hermione walked onto the stage.

"I'm Riley," said Riley. "That's Hermione, and we're gonna sing a parody of Hakuna Matata from The Lion King, a muggle Disney movie. Hit it George!"

With that the Great Hall was filled with music and Riley began to sing.

"Expecto Patronum, what a wonderful charm!"

"Expecto Patronum, ain't a charm that's darn!" sang Hermione

"It means no Dementors, and Harry's safe for the day!" the two sung. "It's are Dementor-free artillery! Expecto Patronum!"

Around this time the door flew open and Professor McGonagall burst into the Great Hall. Riley and Hermione ceased their singing.

"Kill the music George!" yelled Hermione.

The music stopped abruptly.

"What in Merlin's name is going on in here?" shouted McGonagall.

"Open-Mic Night!" said Fred cheerfully into the microphone in his hand.

"Mr. Weasley what is the meaning us this?"

"We're having fun and letting our hair down! Besides Professor Dumbledore said it was okay. You should have seen him sing!"

McGonagall shook her head and left the Great Hall, as long as they weren't bothering anyone she deemed okay.

**20. I am not allowed to draw a smiley face on my arm and tell everyone it's the new Dark Mark.**

Thomas scanned the Gryffindor common room. He wasn't looking for anyone in particular. Finally he chose Dean Thomas who was on the couch in front of him as his target.

"Dean!" said Thomas, as he jumped of the coffee table he had been standing on.

"Yes?" said Dean looking up from his sketchbook.

"I've got an offer you just can refuse."

"And what is this offer? An idea of Riley's?" asked Dean.

Thomas shook his head. "Nah… You see my friends and I have organized this group, and we want you to join."

"Ah, so what's the catch?" asked Dean.

Thomas began to explain that all he had to do was draw a smiley face on his arm in permanent marker as a mark that he belonged to the group. Then he went on to describe what the group was. This said group was Dark Lord McHappypants's Death Dancers.

The next day Thomas had convinced the rest of the Gryffindors in his year to join the Death Dancers. It was only when Lavender Brown's sleeve slipped and Snape saw the mark.

"Miss Brown, what is this?" he barked.

"The new dark mark, Sir," Lavender answered quite calmly. "It shows I belong to Dark Lord McHappypants and his Death Dancers."

With this one by on the Gryffindors moonwalked out of the classroom.

Snape shook his head, McGonagall forewarned him that Dark Lord McHappypants and his Death Dancers would appear in his classroom and there would be no point of giving them detentions. On the bright side he would have no Gryffindors for the rest of the class period.

_A/N This was a very fun chapter to write. I've only got one question, which is your favorite rule?_


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